Recently, I passed in front of the new Clemenceau Medical Center. In the lobby, there was a concert piano, a grand. I wondered what and when this would be used for in a hospital and who would play it. Later on, I was told that this piano plays itself (I am going to get a lot of hate mail for this last sentence). That means, the hospital has decided it can do without musicians! I hope they treat them better as patients!
So, in retaliation, the JML is launching a contest: what kind of music can you think of that would be suitable in a Hospital Lobby? (Requiems are excluded from the contest).
Prize: a mention in the next JMAIL. No money. Jury: the JMAIL staff who reserve the final right of ranking contestants.
Here are the examples that were sent by everyone:
"Moonlight Sonata" played by Arthritis Rubenstein
"Barbiturate of Seville"
Gloria Gaynor's "ULCER vive"
"Atset Sonia fi Bologna, Atset Atset, Kenet Fitset"
Kingston Trio: "All My Sores, Soon be over"
Elgar: The Enema Variations
Is that boric good enough?
Cole Porter: I've Shot You under the Skin
Tylenol Ribbon on the Old Oak Tree
Que Serum Serum, whatever he'll pee, he'll pee
Smoke Reduction Therapy: "Half a Narguilah"
Dermatology department: "Put your druff on my shoulder"
Louis Armstrong: "Hello Trolley, Welcome Home Trolley"
Glenn Miller and His band: "In the Nude"
Brecht/Weil "Mack the Knife"
Lennon's "Give pacemaker a chance"
The Dental Department singing: "Fillings, nothing more than fillings"
Sinatra: "I only have eyes for you"
"Johny Catarrh"
Ziad Rahbani's "Boustet Augmentin"
"Blood, Blood, Glorious Blood"
"Tumor Whiskeys for the Road"
"When I saw her walking down the street, singing duodinal didi dum didi dum"
"Et je criais: SALINE, SALINE"
James Taylor's "You've Got a Trend"
"These Foolish Tongs, Remind me of You" Oscar and the Obstetricians
"Killing me softly with your glove!" Roberta Flack
Puccini's Nessun Dorma sung by the Intensive Care Unit
"Urine Looking Good Tonight"
Cliff Richard's "Coagulation"
"We will, we will LOCK YOU" sung by Queen
Lennon's "Imagine all the feeble"
Beatles: "Eleanor Rikbee"
"Chins ain't what they used to be"
Dylan's "Watching the Liver Flow"
"You'll never walk alone" sung by the Schizophrenic Quartet (now how many is that?)
Aznavour's "La Tabiba"
Ce N'est Pas Si Bon
Ziad Rahbany: "Monodose"
When I'm 6ft 4 (prosthetics)
Mel Torme's "I let Myself Fall into Careless Hands" – No Comment
Hot Chocolate's "I'll Put You Together Again"
Everly Brothers' "Scream, Scream" and "Bye Bye Glove"
Dean Martin's "Why Don't You Relieve Me?"
Shirley Bassey's "Where Do I Begin?"
Cutting Crew: " I Just Died in Your Arms"
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Bobby Darrin: "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
"Knock three times on the ceiling if you need pee"
The Temptations: "Papa's Got a Brand New Bag"
Diana Ross and the Supremes: "My Ward is Empty without you"
"Your Spanish Eyes"
Bjork: "Play dead"
Jacques Brel: "Le Moribond"
Sasha Distel: "Maladie d'Amour"
"My Achy Breaky Heart"
R.E.M.'s "Try Not To Breathe"
Ray Charles' "Unchain My Heart"
Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" sung in counterpoint with "Nearer my God to Thee" [or in French "Plus Pres de Toi Mon Dieu" sung in counterpoint by the patient himself.
Janice Joplin's "Take a Little Bit of My Heart"
Norah Jones' "Shoot the Moon" (Moon being a nursing term for "behind") so we can also have "Moonlight in Vermont" or "Moon River"
Mohammad Abdel Wahab's "Nebtedi Mnain al Hikaya"
Ziyad Rahbani's "Midri Kif Jannayt"
Wadih Al Safi's "Soubhan Man Jammalak"
Englebert Humperdink's "Please discharge me, let me go"
Bach's "Well Tempered Clavicle!"
Liszt's "Ovarian Rhapsody"
Gershwin's "Ovary Time we Say Goodbye"
Beatles "I'm Looking through You" sung by X-Ray Man and the Radiologists?
Sonny and Cher "The Beat Goes On" by Thumper and the Cardiologists.
Johnny Cash and the Hemorrhoids: "Ring of Fire"
Gershwin's "I got arrhythmia"
Chris de Burgh: "Lady in Bed"
"Liver Let Die" for the alcoholic's ward. (Live and let Die by McCartney)
Rolling Stones' "19th Nervous breakdown" for the Psychiatric Unit
"Blinded by the Light" for the Optical Clinic
"Hunk of Burning Love" for Venereal Diseases
Beatles: "From Me To You" ( Dept of Communicable Diseases)
"Yessir that’s YOUR baby, nossir, we DON'T mean maybe" in the Paternity Ward
Beatles: "I'm Fixing A Hole" by the rectal plumbing unit
Beatles: "I Wanna Hold Your Gland"
The Doors: "Horse Latitudes"
Sound of Music: "How Do You Solve A Problem like Gonorrhea?"
"How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?" by the Cardiologists
"Just a Spoonful of Sugar" by Insulin and the Pancreas
Perry Como's "Mamaries Are Made of This" by the Silly Cones
Elton John's "Bennie and the Vets" for another kind of hospital
Eagles "Hotel Dieu" by Médecins Sans Frontiere
Everly Brothers' "Wake Up Little Suzie" by the early Nurse Call
Elton John's "Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me"
Sinatra's "Come PRY with me" sung by the Endoscopy Unit
The anesthesiologists singing the original "Come Fly with Me"
Beethoven's "IODE to Joy"
"Around the Ward in 80 Ways" sung by the Busy Orderlies
Dylan's "Like a Kidney Stone"
Jacques Brel's "Ne me pique pas"
The Pharmacy Unit will sing Edith Piaf's "La Vie en Dose"
"Hey Nurse, how did you break the thermometer?", and the Nurse sings the theme tune from "Gone with the wind"
"When the Faints go marching in" sung by the ambulance drivers union
Gershwin's "Suppertime" sung by the Kitchen Unit. A variation will be sung by the Accountants: "Summertime, and the Billing is easy"
Peggy Lee's "You give me fever"
Solo by the Director of the Morgue: the Beatles "Help, I need some BODY"
The Organ Donors Unit will sing the Beatles song: "If I give my heart to you"
Oum Koulthoum's: "Al Tubb Kida" (Thanks Zuhair!)
The Human Resources Director will play "Autumn Leaves" will be canceled
"I did it MY WAY" by the Surgeon who operated on the wrong knee.
The Diabetes Quartet will NOT sing: "Sweets for my sweet, sugar for my honey"
Simon and Garfunkel's "The Sound of Sirens"
Various arias will be sung by PLACEBO Domingo
Patient: I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home".
Doctor: That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
Patient: Is that common?
Doctor: It's not unusual.
Thanks go to the following contributors
Julinda Abou Nasr
Father Boulos Wehbe
Zuhair Ismail
Najwa Haffar
Muriel Kheir
Ramzi Najjar
Richard Spratt
Ann Lind
Melanie Brechtel
Mayda Freiji-Makdissi
Farah Abed
Chris Khayat
Zahira Mekkawi
Chucri Arcache
Aida Yared
Randa Asmar
Ramzi Kurban
Kent Hartfield
Claude Salhani
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